Moving abroad isn’t just about visas, flights, or new addresses. It’s about decisions — the ones that shape who we are and who we’re becoming.
For me, that journey began in 2016, when our family moved to New Zealand.
My Journey Abroad: From New Zealand to the Netherlands and Back Again
Although I come from a migrant family and had moved many times before, New Zealand was different. We hadn’t planned to settle there, but somehow it became home.
Then came another big decision: to accept a job and move to the Netherlands. We lived there for three years, navigating a new culture and a new rhythm of life. Moving to the Netherlands was an exciting, challenging, and often humbling experience.
Now, after that chapter, we’ve made another life-changing decision: to return to New Zealand — this time 100% as a family choice. We want our kids to grow from teenagers into young adults here, finish college here, and hopefully feel that this is a place they can always call home.
People keep asking me, “So is this it? Is this forever?”
And honestly? It’s too soon to know. We’ve only been back for three months. I can’t say for sure — and that uncertainty is part of the mess.
The Messy Middle of Expat Life
Studies suggest it takes 3–5 years to shift from feeling like an outsider to building an integrated identity abroad. But here’s the truth I’ve learned: even after years, sometimes decades, many of us still live in between.
You can:
- Speak the language fluently.
- Hold a passport.
- Raise kids who feel more local than you do.
And yet, a part of you is always negotiating two worlds. That’s what I call the dilemmas of life’s messy middle abroad.
Why the Messy Middle Isn’t Failure
It’s easy to assume that if you don’t feel “fully local” after all this time, you’re failing at belonging. But that’s not the case.
- Identity abroad is fluid. You can grow roots and still feel like a guest.
- Home is layered. You can build one home and still grieve another.
- Belonging is complex. You can feel connected in one area and disconnected in another.
The messy middle of life abroad is not a weakness but a growth path, and it’s where real growth, resilience, and connection happen.
The Life-Changing Decision for Me
Looking back, the decision that shaped my life abroad wasn’t just leaving one country for another. It was choosing to embrace the messy middle instead of resisting it.
Once I stopped expecting to feel 100% at home anywhere, I felt freer. I realized that belonging can happen in more than one place at a time. That it’s okay to carry grief for the places we leave behind, even while we create joy in new ones.
That shift is what made me feel “almost local” wherever we go.
Your Turn
If you’ve been abroad for quite a while, you’ve probably faced your own life-changing decisions: whether to stay or go, how to raise children across cultures, whether to return “home,” or how to accept the in-between.
💬 What’s the life-changing decision that shaped your life abroad? Share your reflections in the comments — your story might be the encouragement someone else needs today.
Let’s embrace this journey abroad together, one coffee at a time!
Xx Maria.
